Silver tongued liar

Anthony been kind of flaky lately. It starts with this big ordeal, we kept it to ourselves BUT, his alter ego, Loki, came out with some pretty devistating results. Granted, I think I handled myself well. I really do. This time, I'm so sure of it that I do not need to ask someone else. I'm at peace with most of my decisions that night. He was upset that he had to watch the kids for whatever reason, and started drinking vodka. I thought nothing of it because he drinks an awful lot and doesn't get out of hand. Usually...not tonight. Loki came out and convinced me that he was in love with me in a way that he could never be with Mimi and it made me feel good. I thought it was permission to feel completely what may come emotionally. (He really did not seem all that drunk.) Then he convinced me that it was ok to have sex together, or make love, as he put it. I was unsure of his motive, why the sudden change etc. So, I asked lots of questions, and he answered them flawlessly. I stopped wondering why the change when he finally shook my shoulders and said, "Brandi, are you retarded?! I want YOU!"

That pulled my heart strings in the right way and I agreed to sleep with him because I thought that was what HE wanted. Of course, it wasn't so bad on my side either ;). However, he was insatiable. He did not want anything but vaginal intercourse. After a while, I got sore. He kept trying to manipulate me into letting him have sex with me again anyway. In his mind, his penis could not harm anything when it felt so good to him. I would explain to him that it hurt me and I had to stop but he would soon forget and remind me again that he was not satisfyed. I realized at this point that he was not all there. That Anthony, was barely there. I tried to appease Loki, as he later became named, and I took him kindergarten style and showed him with his fingers where it hurt me and not to touch me there. Not even this worked. Eventually, he passed out.

I did have to get up and physically leave the room first though. He was agressive and handsy.

I'm so fucking thankful that I knew ANTHONY before this and love him so much that it didn't scare me any more than it did. Honestly, I'm afraid if it had been anyone else, he would have had a date rape case on his hands. That's terrible. Anthony is better than that. He doesn't deserve that. But it was really tough to see when he was Loki.

He kind of down played it the next day when I told him. He even told Mimi that he didn't do anything awful. I think it was awful. I felt awful during AND even worse the next day when he didn't remember any of it; when he reminded me that he and I could never be. I felt like I was the violator. I honestly, did not think he was in blackout mode. He was slurring a little and the more he drank, more signs came out but he got naked first thing when he walked in the door. He was intent on getting what he wanted and that night it was sex. I guess Loki will tell a girl whatever he thinks she wants to hear.

I knew that I wanted him to love me. But, I was ok that he didn't until I heard that he did from his own lips.

My heart got pretty bruised that day.

Anthony

I feel like I should blog this, like this is not just one of those bad relationships I'm pushing myself into for a few fleeting moments of happiness. I met Anthony on Thursday the 23 of July. He was coming here to hang out with my roommate. I had been home for most of the day because my boss told me to answer the phone from home. So, I did, without doing my hair or dressing like someone who has been out of bed for a week. He come in, guitar in hand, looking very hippy/boheme in jean shorts, an unbuttoned short sleeved white over shirt with blue flowers and a beret. Well, I guess it's not a beret but I do not know the word for what it really is. Anyway, he ws looking very attractive and very much out of my league. He seemed older but still radiated youth. Within ten minutes of meeting him, I was awe struck and asked him to never leave. Of course at that time I was meaning because he would sing and play guitar. I did not know that I would form so much adoration for this person.

Dear Stupid Fucking Redneck,

Please put on a shirt.

This rule applies to all men sending pictures of themselves over the Internet.

Yes, there are great looking men out there. However, I'm willing to bet if you're sending your pictures over the Internet to someone you haven't met....you aren't one of them.

Please Mr. Redneck, do not let your kid into my car without a child seat. I do not care if Illegitimate Izzy does it all the time, it does not make her safe. You drive like an asshole regardless of whether Bastard Billy is in the car so strap the little booger down nice and tight, just in case.

Mr. Redneck, I know I asked for your assistance in finding me illicit substances. Thank you for your help. No thank you for bringing your kid along. That just pisses me off. I really do not care that we dropped her off at grandma's work; being as you got out of the car, instructed the child to "geddout" and we pull away before grandma is found and the child is left wandering the front yard, I would rather have taken her with us.

By the way, when she calls you Daddy, she isn't playing you ignorant fuck, it means she looks up to your stupid ass and you better watch what you do and say around her before she hates you too.

I'm writing to let you know, I will need your help next time or well, ever because no bud in the world is worth seeing someone treat a child so poorly.

Rot in hell,
One unsatisfied customer.

Dear Social Retard,

Dear Social Retard,

You suck. We both know this. However, I had a temporary lapse in judgement and had faith in humanity (which I thought included you, not excluded you) to not drop their life's baggage at my door. I was wrong.

And oh, how wrong I was.

I encourage you to take your drama and shove it up your ass. If that is not an option, I can arrange for someone to help you do this. Yes, I am THAT thoughtful. :)

If your drama is left within my social circle, I will dispose of it in whichever manner I see fit. (And believe me retard, shoving up your ass is, by far, the most pleasant scenario I've come up with yet.)

Just to be clear, if any more drama/baggage/bullshit is left within my care, I will set it on fire.

Thank you for your time,
Please die slowly. :)

Carboholic

I really thought I was a carboholic. I've throughly enjoyed my carby foods all of my life more than any other foods. But, I've chosen to take the plunge and my last ditch effort, and attempt to minimize my intake of carbs for the sake of my weight. I can't believe how big I am somedays. It kills me how people that hang out with me will say all these mean things about people half my size and not even consider that I'm twice their size. I'm like them with elephantitus of the everything. I've tried many things to make myself fall out of the obese category and they have all failed. I've exercised for 4 hours a day 6 days a week and I still did not drop the weight....any weight. So, I'm dropping my bad carb intake.

I'm not very happy with it. The first day was easy. My body wanted all that protein. The second day was ok until I realized I had consumed three times the amount of allotted good carbs in the wheat thins I was eatting. I really felt starved even though my belly was full. I still do two days later. I broke down and ate something carby last night but I made sure it wasn't one of my go-to carbs that I love. I had a pb and j on whole wheat. The pb and j portion was the bad part. It was not terribly bad but it was not a good carb. It tasted heavenly and I heavily craved more.

I might be a lot happier if I were to eat that at night and be good during the day. I don't remember where I read it but I think I found a place that said if you are eatting bad carbs, do it as your last meal of the day. I really hope that web site was right because it makes me feel so much better. I'll continue to stay away from foods that are fried and whatnot...no sugary sodas etc., but it sure does help me feel good to have those carbs at night.

Decisions and Goals

Hi blogosphere! Or no one...whichever. (I do not think anyone reads this yet because I only gave the address out to one person and I'm pretty sure she doesn't read it either. Hi my lovely if you do.)

I'm not quite sure why I'm doing this, or any reason that it makes me greener/anything like that...but I'm in the process of moving my entire apartment into my bedroom. This of course, does not include the kitchen or bathroom. I am trying to do all my reading/exercising/movie watching etc from this one room. It will cut down on cooling and heating if I can only bother with one room's temperature and it will give me good practice for my time in my RV life. To be honest, I'm just following my instinct here. Those are good reasons to do it but my gut is telling me to do this so I think I'll listen. The room is very well lit by the smallish windows. The sunshine makes me happy so maybe that is why I feel drawn. I'm not sure nor do I really care.

I'm doing it, enough said. lol

First, I have to get the urine smell out of the room. No, folks, I haven't had accidents and I haven't tried to make it my bathroom too, it is that the previous tenants let their pet peepee on the carpet and my rental agency is shitty enough to let me deal with the problem myself. Each time I shampoo it (twice now) it gets better but I can still smell pee! I'll go over one more time with a pet odor-outter and then I'll give up on that idea. I don't like putting all those chemicals on my floor where I often play the ten second rule etc. BUT it's better than peepee. To me, it is anyway. Plus, that carpet is terrible anyway. It has holes cut in random places and stains everywhere. I just do not want to put the money into replacing it if I do not know if I will be living there very long.

updatical

So life is slammin' right now. I'm pumped for life and ready to conquer all. Last weekend Emma and I finally had an us night and we went out and had a friggin' blast being girly and loud. I dig her. It's hard to dig her around her mom cause she's so tough on her but it is pretty cool. I took pics with this weird guy in a mask at the foot ball game. It was bad ass. The game was great too. I'm gonna marry Tony Longoria. Yup. He might not be expecting it but I'll be a hott Mrs. Longoria. Yum!

This weekend I see Coy play at Racks then the family reunion in the morning then BARN PARTY!!! I'm gonna slut it up. I'm totally gonna drink my weight in alcohol. Pssst! That's a lot.