My reply

This is my reply to a friend's post at http://www.theoutsiderontheinside.blogspot.com/.  It's date posted is 9-24-09.



Let me begin with saying that I am in no way devaluing your hurt feelings. With that said, let me explain where I was when I was contemplating suicide so that maybe you will have a few less questions regarding the whys.

I did not know your dear friend but I can relate to not letting anyone know. I think this blog came at a good time because I'm ready to talk about this experience. I might even be strong enough to blog about it.

When I get to be so sad, that I have to remind myself to breathe, that basic functions like hygiene, eating, drinking, sleeping become impossible to control; I hurt myself. So far, this and my fear of eternity have stopped me from trying to kill myself.
When I hurt myself, I do things that no one will notice, like break a toe, scrape the flesh from my shin, or pinch until I bruise but ~always~ somewhere no one can see unless we are intimate and I show them. (Which I do not do.) Yes, this is extreme behavior. Yes, this could be signs of something more. And, yes, when I'm healthy, I know there are a ton of people who would help me if they had any idea that my well of sorrow ran so deep and so fucking stagnant. With that said, the reasons I harm myself and do not share that with others is because:
1. It's my business...not theirs. I'm not being selfish with my experiences, it's that I'm the one that my friends turn to and from experience, it's unsettling to them when I'm not the rock. I'm a weird and passionate person as it is and many people have a hard time relating to me without me focusing on the aspect of my personality that is most compatible with theirs. Many believe I'm two faced or fake because of it but I'm not. I'm just flexible. I have my truths and they do not change but I'm not going to mention wild weekend to my mom's friends and I'm not going to talk about my hippy practices to my friends in the oil field. I think it's common sense. So, because of the ability to adapt and show certain aspects of me at certain times, most people are taken aback when I break down. Besides, I'm a happy person and my breakdown symptoms are only seen by those very close to me. (They usually spot something is amiss before I do.) Anyway, back on track... I do not have anyone that is truely nurturing (to me) in my life and maybe your friend didn't either.
2. Because how can I talk about it if I do not understand it myself? Some answers are bold and in plain text to most people that a few others just do not get even when the answer is told to them, or they may not understand it. I go over and over my sorrows and torments. Most of the time I can talk to someone but, and I realize this is not fair to my loved ones, if I do not "get" what you are trying to say to me or if you are not interested in my problem when I need you, then I won't talk to you about it again. I'm not going to be the person who whines about their problems all the time. I refuse to be. It is especially insulting when the answer is so blatant to them and it doesn't sink in or match my feelings. They mean me no insult, this I understand, but in my weakened mind frame, I feel stupid and that is not something I will tolerate of myself. I'm not fucking stupid. When I'm healthy, I understand they aren't trying to call me stupid but I simply can not see that when I'm sick.
3. When I get to the point that I want to end life, I tend make sure not to let anyone know because of this: How would you feel right now if your friend told you his/her plans and you were:

~too slow to stop it and got there with them dying and in pain and you couldn't save them

~too slow and got there with them already gone

~in both cases you would have legal troubles.

~if you were able to talk to them about it but it was not enough for them...wouldn't you feel inadequate?
Even as a sick person, I knew that some friends would give their lives to save mine. I would not ask that of anyone! Especially when I'm feeling inadequate enough to die. Even if someone offers something like a place to stay that is safer than my situation, I often do not take it because I'm ashamed of the situation I've gotten myself into or because of the "after." The "after" is that point where you climb back out from the bottom and realize how low you allowed yourself to get and feel ashamed because you burdened others and/or they saw you at your worst. It's like the walk of shame... the tears are gone and you look at everything someone has sacrificed and moved around in their life for your sake and you feel worthless for requiring that of them.
Also, I've toyed with the concept that there must be something really wrong with me when I reach out to God and cannot feel joy or even lessening pain. For me, it does not make me question God's existence but it may for him. It makes me question my actions and thoughts to see if I caused Him to not help me/not love me/ not care. How can telling someone else your problems help when talking with God didn't?
I believe your friend DID have his loved ones in mind when he chose to not tell anyone before it happened. As a healthy person, I can see how his friends would have given almost anything to prevent it, however, in a sick mind, it seems impossible to let that happen.
I truly hope this helped more than it harmed.