My reply

This is my reply to a friend's post at http://www.theoutsiderontheinside.blogspot.com/.  It's date posted is 9-24-09.



Let me begin with saying that I am in no way devaluing your hurt feelings. With that said, let me explain where I was when I was contemplating suicide so that maybe you will have a few less questions regarding the whys.

I did not know your dear friend but I can relate to not letting anyone know. I think this blog came at a good time because I'm ready to talk about this experience. I might even be strong enough to blog about it.

When I get to be so sad, that I have to remind myself to breathe, that basic functions like hygiene, eating, drinking, sleeping become impossible to control; I hurt myself. So far, this and my fear of eternity have stopped me from trying to kill myself.
When I hurt myself, I do things that no one will notice, like break a toe, scrape the flesh from my shin, or pinch until I bruise but ~always~ somewhere no one can see unless we are intimate and I show them. (Which I do not do.) Yes, this is extreme behavior. Yes, this could be signs of something more. And, yes, when I'm healthy, I know there are a ton of people who would help me if they had any idea that my well of sorrow ran so deep and so fucking stagnant. With that said, the reasons I harm myself and do not share that with others is because:
1. It's my business...not theirs. I'm not being selfish with my experiences, it's that I'm the one that my friends turn to and from experience, it's unsettling to them when I'm not the rock. I'm a weird and passionate person as it is and many people have a hard time relating to me without me focusing on the aspect of my personality that is most compatible with theirs. Many believe I'm two faced or fake because of it but I'm not. I'm just flexible. I have my truths and they do not change but I'm not going to mention wild weekend to my mom's friends and I'm not going to talk about my hippy practices to my friends in the oil field. I think it's common sense. So, because of the ability to adapt and show certain aspects of me at certain times, most people are taken aback when I break down. Besides, I'm a happy person and my breakdown symptoms are only seen by those very close to me. (They usually spot something is amiss before I do.) Anyway, back on track... I do not have anyone that is truely nurturing (to me) in my life and maybe your friend didn't either.
2. Because how can I talk about it if I do not understand it myself? Some answers are bold and in plain text to most people that a few others just do not get even when the answer is told to them, or they may not understand it. I go over and over my sorrows and torments. Most of the time I can talk to someone but, and I realize this is not fair to my loved ones, if I do not "get" what you are trying to say to me or if you are not interested in my problem when I need you, then I won't talk to you about it again. I'm not going to be the person who whines about their problems all the time. I refuse to be. It is especially insulting when the answer is so blatant to them and it doesn't sink in or match my feelings. They mean me no insult, this I understand, but in my weakened mind frame, I feel stupid and that is not something I will tolerate of myself. I'm not fucking stupid. When I'm healthy, I understand they aren't trying to call me stupid but I simply can not see that when I'm sick.
3. When I get to the point that I want to end life, I tend make sure not to let anyone know because of this: How would you feel right now if your friend told you his/her plans and you were:

~too slow to stop it and got there with them dying and in pain and you couldn't save them

~too slow and got there with them already gone

~in both cases you would have legal troubles.

~if you were able to talk to them about it but it was not enough for them...wouldn't you feel inadequate?
Even as a sick person, I knew that some friends would give their lives to save mine. I would not ask that of anyone! Especially when I'm feeling inadequate enough to die. Even if someone offers something like a place to stay that is safer than my situation, I often do not take it because I'm ashamed of the situation I've gotten myself into or because of the "after." The "after" is that point where you climb back out from the bottom and realize how low you allowed yourself to get and feel ashamed because you burdened others and/or they saw you at your worst. It's like the walk of shame... the tears are gone and you look at everything someone has sacrificed and moved around in their life for your sake and you feel worthless for requiring that of them.
Also, I've toyed with the concept that there must be something really wrong with me when I reach out to God and cannot feel joy or even lessening pain. For me, it does not make me question God's existence but it may for him. It makes me question my actions and thoughts to see if I caused Him to not help me/not love me/ not care. How can telling someone else your problems help when talking with God didn't?
I believe your friend DID have his loved ones in mind when he chose to not tell anyone before it happened. As a healthy person, I can see how his friends would have given almost anything to prevent it, however, in a sick mind, it seems impossible to let that happen.
I truly hope this helped more than it harmed.

Dear Dinner Date,

Hi!

It's nice to meet you. Please let's get this straight right away.

1. Please do not send me a picture of you without your shirt on. It does not make me want to take off my shirt too, not even if you say please. It is insulting that you ask.
2. Do not act bored. Even if you are bored, it is not only insulting, it shows bad manners. You are only bored if you are boring. It has nothing to do with me.

3. I can talk to anyone! I'm a little shy but if you take the time to come out with me, I will keep things going...even if I have to talk about the chips and salsa. Do NOT make me talk about the chips and salsa. Now, if it's fantastic that's different, but if you are looking at anything other than me and just nodding when there is a pause....you again, are insulting me.

4. Do not bitch about the prices of the food. It shows that you are a cheap ass. If you have taken me somewhere cheap to begin with, and are bitching anyway, there will not be a second date. If it really was an expensive place, just bite your tongue and pay the bill. You suggested this place and if you complain once we get there, if makes me feel as if you saw me and do not find me worthy of spending money on.



This is insulting.

Silver tongued liar

Anthony been kind of flaky lately. It starts with this big ordeal, we kept it to ourselves BUT, his alter ego, Loki, came out with some pretty devistating results. Granted, I think I handled myself well. I really do. This time, I'm so sure of it that I do not need to ask someone else. I'm at peace with most of my decisions that night. He was upset that he had to watch the kids for whatever reason, and started drinking vodka. I thought nothing of it because he drinks an awful lot and doesn't get out of hand. Usually...not tonight. Loki came out and convinced me that he was in love with me in a way that he could never be with Mimi and it made me feel good. I thought it was permission to feel completely what may come emotionally. (He really did not seem all that drunk.) Then he convinced me that it was ok to have sex together, or make love, as he put it. I was unsure of his motive, why the sudden change etc. So, I asked lots of questions, and he answered them flawlessly. I stopped wondering why the change when he finally shook my shoulders and said, "Brandi, are you retarded?! I want YOU!"

That pulled my heart strings in the right way and I agreed to sleep with him because I thought that was what HE wanted. Of course, it wasn't so bad on my side either ;). However, he was insatiable. He did not want anything but vaginal intercourse. After a while, I got sore. He kept trying to manipulate me into letting him have sex with me again anyway. In his mind, his penis could not harm anything when it felt so good to him. I would explain to him that it hurt me and I had to stop but he would soon forget and remind me again that he was not satisfyed. I realized at this point that he was not all there. That Anthony, was barely there. I tried to appease Loki, as he later became named, and I took him kindergarten style and showed him with his fingers where it hurt me and not to touch me there. Not even this worked. Eventually, he passed out.

I did have to get up and physically leave the room first though. He was agressive and handsy.

I'm so fucking thankful that I knew ANTHONY before this and love him so much that it didn't scare me any more than it did. Honestly, I'm afraid if it had been anyone else, he would have had a date rape case on his hands. That's terrible. Anthony is better than that. He doesn't deserve that. But it was really tough to see when he was Loki.

He kind of down played it the next day when I told him. He even told Mimi that he didn't do anything awful. I think it was awful. I felt awful during AND even worse the next day when he didn't remember any of it; when he reminded me that he and I could never be. I felt like I was the violator. I honestly, did not think he was in blackout mode. He was slurring a little and the more he drank, more signs came out but he got naked first thing when he walked in the door. He was intent on getting what he wanted and that night it was sex. I guess Loki will tell a girl whatever he thinks she wants to hear.

I knew that I wanted him to love me. But, I was ok that he didn't until I heard that he did from his own lips.

My heart got pretty bruised that day.

Anthony

I feel like I should blog this, like this is not just one of those bad relationships I'm pushing myself into for a few fleeting moments of happiness. I met Anthony on Thursday the 23 of July. He was coming here to hang out with my roommate. I had been home for most of the day because my boss told me to answer the phone from home. So, I did, without doing my hair or dressing like someone who has been out of bed for a week. He come in, guitar in hand, looking very hippy/boheme in jean shorts, an unbuttoned short sleeved white over shirt with blue flowers and a beret. Well, I guess it's not a beret but I do not know the word for what it really is. Anyway, he ws looking very attractive and very much out of my league. He seemed older but still radiated youth. Within ten minutes of meeting him, I was awe struck and asked him to never leave. Of course at that time I was meaning because he would sing and play guitar. I did not know that I would form so much adoration for this person.

Dear Stupid Fucking Redneck,

Please put on a shirt.

This rule applies to all men sending pictures of themselves over the Internet.

Yes, there are great looking men out there. However, I'm willing to bet if you're sending your pictures over the Internet to someone you haven't met....you aren't one of them.

Please Mr. Redneck, do not let your kid into my car without a child seat. I do not care if Illegitimate Izzy does it all the time, it does not make her safe. You drive like an asshole regardless of whether Bastard Billy is in the car so strap the little booger down nice and tight, just in case.

Mr. Redneck, I know I asked for your assistance in finding me illicit substances. Thank you for your help. No thank you for bringing your kid along. That just pisses me off. I really do not care that we dropped her off at grandma's work; being as you got out of the car, instructed the child to "geddout" and we pull away before grandma is found and the child is left wandering the front yard, I would rather have taken her with us.

By the way, when she calls you Daddy, she isn't playing you ignorant fuck, it means she looks up to your stupid ass and you better watch what you do and say around her before she hates you too.

I'm writing to let you know, I will need your help next time or well, ever because no bud in the world is worth seeing someone treat a child so poorly.

Rot in hell,
One unsatisfied customer.

Dear Social Retard,

Dear Social Retard,

You suck. We both know this. However, I had a temporary lapse in judgement and had faith in humanity (which I thought included you, not excluded you) to not drop their life's baggage at my door. I was wrong.

And oh, how wrong I was.

I encourage you to take your drama and shove it up your ass. If that is not an option, I can arrange for someone to help you do this. Yes, I am THAT thoughtful. :)

If your drama is left within my social circle, I will dispose of it in whichever manner I see fit. (And believe me retard, shoving up your ass is, by far, the most pleasant scenario I've come up with yet.)

Just to be clear, if any more drama/baggage/bullshit is left within my care, I will set it on fire.

Thank you for your time,
Please die slowly. :)

Carboholic

I really thought I was a carboholic. I've throughly enjoyed my carby foods all of my life more than any other foods. But, I've chosen to take the plunge and my last ditch effort, and attempt to minimize my intake of carbs for the sake of my weight. I can't believe how big I am somedays. It kills me how people that hang out with me will say all these mean things about people half my size and not even consider that I'm twice their size. I'm like them with elephantitus of the everything. I've tried many things to make myself fall out of the obese category and they have all failed. I've exercised for 4 hours a day 6 days a week and I still did not drop the weight....any weight. So, I'm dropping my bad carb intake.

I'm not very happy with it. The first day was easy. My body wanted all that protein. The second day was ok until I realized I had consumed three times the amount of allotted good carbs in the wheat thins I was eatting. I really felt starved even though my belly was full. I still do two days later. I broke down and ate something carby last night but I made sure it wasn't one of my go-to carbs that I love. I had a pb and j on whole wheat. The pb and j portion was the bad part. It was not terribly bad but it was not a good carb. It tasted heavenly and I heavily craved more.

I might be a lot happier if I were to eat that at night and be good during the day. I don't remember where I read it but I think I found a place that said if you are eatting bad carbs, do it as your last meal of the day. I really hope that web site was right because it makes me feel so much better. I'll continue to stay away from foods that are fried and whatnot...no sugary sodas etc., but it sure does help me feel good to have those carbs at night.

Decisions and Goals

Hi blogosphere! Or no one...whichever. (I do not think anyone reads this yet because I only gave the address out to one person and I'm pretty sure she doesn't read it either. Hi my lovely if you do.)

I'm not quite sure why I'm doing this, or any reason that it makes me greener/anything like that...but I'm in the process of moving my entire apartment into my bedroom. This of course, does not include the kitchen or bathroom. I am trying to do all my reading/exercising/movie watching etc from this one room. It will cut down on cooling and heating if I can only bother with one room's temperature and it will give me good practice for my time in my RV life. To be honest, I'm just following my instinct here. Those are good reasons to do it but my gut is telling me to do this so I think I'll listen. The room is very well lit by the smallish windows. The sunshine makes me happy so maybe that is why I feel drawn. I'm not sure nor do I really care.

I'm doing it, enough said. lol

First, I have to get the urine smell out of the room. No, folks, I haven't had accidents and I haven't tried to make it my bathroom too, it is that the previous tenants let their pet peepee on the carpet and my rental agency is shitty enough to let me deal with the problem myself. Each time I shampoo it (twice now) it gets better but I can still smell pee! I'll go over one more time with a pet odor-outter and then I'll give up on that idea. I don't like putting all those chemicals on my floor where I often play the ten second rule etc. BUT it's better than peepee. To me, it is anyway. Plus, that carpet is terrible anyway. It has holes cut in random places and stains everywhere. I just do not want to put the money into replacing it if I do not know if I will be living there very long.

updatical

So life is slammin' right now. I'm pumped for life and ready to conquer all. Last weekend Emma and I finally had an us night and we went out and had a friggin' blast being girly and loud. I dig her. It's hard to dig her around her mom cause she's so tough on her but it is pretty cool. I took pics with this weird guy in a mask at the foot ball game. It was bad ass. The game was great too. I'm gonna marry Tony Longoria. Yup. He might not be expecting it but I'll be a hott Mrs. Longoria. Yum!

This weekend I see Coy play at Racks then the family reunion in the morning then BARN PARTY!!! I'm gonna slut it up. I'm totally gonna drink my weight in alcohol. Pssst! That's a lot.

Letter to Icky

Dear possible infection in my body,

Please go away. I have way too much going on right now to be a good host. I am at a new job and it just looks bad to take off to take care of your sickness, especially when you show up unannounced. I do not mean to be rude sir sickness, but really, I have to make cake pops for this weekend! I can't share you with my friends. Yes, I know sharing is caring! BUT There is a little bitty baby there that is just too small to take you on herself so please, illness, go away. And how am I supposed to be the ruff rider's newest super fan if I miss the game on Sat? I can't~ I'll go up there with ear plugs if I have to just to show my support to my future ex husband Longoria (Brandi Longoria sounds good to me!) And quite frankly, in order to get Mr. Longoria to notice me, you just can't be around. You are the female version of a cock block and I just can't accomodate you at this time.

Sorry Sickness,Brandi

PS--this is bullshit.

Ode to Banana Popsicles

I love you cause you're yummy.
I love you in my tummy.
I love you love you love you.
Yummy yummy yummy.

*bows*

My friends and I are stupid.

Here's a conversation between me and Ifer!


Me- I'll be a ok. It's about time for me to get sick. I usually get pretty sick two or three times in the winter and I've been fortunate enough to not have been sick since December. I'll let the sickness win this time, its been nice enough to stay away when important things were coming up. I'm just uncomfortable and whiney. lol I can do that and work at the same time.hehe

her: haha! well i'm glad ur just whiney and a little uncomfy. :) good thing ur not vomit......ing... lol

Me- I'm glad I'm not vomit. I would totally hate me.

her: u'd smell

Me- I wouldn't have a nose so I wouldn't mind. But it would be really hard to get laid.

her: i dont think you'd mind that. but dogs would lick you up then you'd be dog poo...then fertilizer. then a vegetable..lmao

Me- I'll be corn so I never REALLY get digested. HA jokes on you vomit eater!

Boys...

I have two people right now that are really filling my brain. The bad guy and the good guy. I'm at that classic point in dating where the girl has the bad boy that drives her mad and the good guy that just doesn't make her heart skip. I'm soooo lucky not to be alone. Do not get me wrong, I'm not complaining. I'm just talking.

My bad boy is my Cowboy. This mofo has a s-l-a-m-m-i-n' body. I dig this body. I would draw and paint and sculpt this body. That is, if I had talent in any of these things. In all actuality, if this being were to model for me, nothing would get accomplished other than hands on study. I haven't slept with him mind you, I'm a lady. But he and the body he carries with him make me stupid. I forget that he yelled at me for no good reason, nearly cost me my job, hasn't shown me he could be trusted, and dips (eww). All it takes is a whiff of his shirt or a peek at his perfect little belly button and I'm on cloud nine. He makes my hoo hoo tingle. I want him madly and I can have him but I can't see this leading anywhere but a broken heart and low self esteem.  But bless my stupid mind this boy makes me think it just might be worth it. He dreams of having tons of kids, working all his life, and living in a nice trailer home. Can anyone out there see me in this situation? After nibbling on his ear and feeling him shutter from hat to boot, I can't help but think I might just like that after all. He's stood me up, gotten at attitude with me and lost his temper in front of me. But he'll call me and just sit and watch me blow dry my hair...or he'll come up behind me and wrap his arms around me ever so slowly while I brush my teeth. He never fails to make me feel beautiful, even when I'm mad at him and wear mismatched clothes with my hair up and no make up.  He lifts heavy objects for me and makes me melt. He fixes my leaky bath tub for me and I can't help but wrap my body around his while he works. I even smile at his boot print left in my nice white tub. My arms feel incomplete when he isn't in them. He even lets me talk about the future without taking me too seriously and running away. I told him the other day that he has to take care of his heart because I plan to live there for a while and make myself comfortable.  

Then there's my good guy. He is not handsome in a traditional sense but he has a great personality and is quick to smile. Anyone who knows him, loves him. He has a speech impediment and his heart is too big for his body and his teeth are crooked but he makes me laugh and gives good hugs. I tells me I'm beautiful and works with my schedule even though it's so different from his. He was so nervous around me the other night that he bit right through his lip and drew blood. Can I hear an "awww." I would feel very safe with him and I do feel safe with him.  

On the other hand...my Cowboy can embarrass the tar outta me and I still want to stick around and see what's next. He gets in his redneck truck, turns on his CB radio (I'm not kidding) and cat calls at old ladies. He tells kids not to drink beer while downing one. We get yelled at by at least one person every time we go out in public for one reason or another.  

*contented sigh*

What would you do?

Pioneer Woman

I want to be the pioneer woman when I grow up.  www.thepioneerwoman.com.  

I know, through wisdom and self searching that I will never be her.  Part of me is glad but then I'm not so sure.  I can't even tell you what I want to be when I grow up as me.  She's living my dream life but at the same time, does she really sleep as much as enjoy to sleep?  Would I enjoy it as much if I had her life? 

My real idea of freedom is being self sufficient.  Living off the grid like Nim's Island or how P-Dub could if she so chose.  I also want to be nearer to water than she but I would find myself content with her many ponds and creeks.  

Not to down myself or anything, but I'm a very large girl that is cute but not outwardly beautiful.  I have very little chance at meeting someone as handsom, wholesome, and wealthy as MM.  I have to settle or to live alone.  That is my lot.  I guess I should determine how much settling I'm willing to do.  

dying inside

I cannot remember any other month being as bad as this one in all of my life. Buzz split on me. I was terrified of what could happen but he said he was ok to his mom. At least that's something. I wish he would talk to me. I'm dying inside.

Where did my friend go?

Hi everyone. I'm hopefully at the tail end of the month that only Satan himself could have shit out. I want to make it clear that my month has not been worse than some say victims of something, but it is bad because of many things and none of which are really bringing me hope and none of which have brought me much closer to God. Maybe it's a flaw within me. I can't imagine living this month over again without killing myself. I fortunately, am not trapped in a Bill Murray comedy so folks, no blood no foul; I'm not killing anyone anytime soon. Don't fool yourself into thinking it wasn't in consideration. It was. Just not with a very serious tone attached.

The main thing I want to talk about is Buzz. He said he didn't want to be with me anymore. Ok. It hurt, I'm over it. What I'm not ok with is today when I'm crying about things (not related to him per se but my overall month and some things that happened at work last night) and he has nothing to say about it. No, I'm sorry life sucks for you, no hug, nothing. He just laid there. Then his mom came and he went to the movies. He left me with tears falling down my cheeks as if I weren't even there. I have never thought that Buzz would be so heartless. Where did Buzz go?