Silver tongued liar

Anthony been kind of flaky lately. It starts with this big ordeal, we kept it to ourselves BUT, his alter ego, Loki, came out with some pretty devistating results. Granted, I think I handled myself well. I really do. This time, I'm so sure of it that I do not need to ask someone else. I'm at peace with most of my decisions that night. He was upset that he had to watch the kids for whatever reason, and started drinking vodka. I thought nothing of it because he drinks an awful lot and doesn't get out of hand. Usually...not tonight. Loki came out and convinced me that he was in love with me in a way that he could never be with Mimi and it made me feel good. I thought it was permission to feel completely what may come emotionally. (He really did not seem all that drunk.) Then he convinced me that it was ok to have sex together, or make love, as he put it. I was unsure of his motive, why the sudden change etc. So, I asked lots of questions, and he answered them flawlessly. I stopped wondering why the change when he finally shook my shoulders and said, "Brandi, are you retarded?! I want YOU!"

That pulled my heart strings in the right way and I agreed to sleep with him because I thought that was what HE wanted. Of course, it wasn't so bad on my side either ;). However, he was insatiable. He did not want anything but vaginal intercourse. After a while, I got sore. He kept trying to manipulate me into letting him have sex with me again anyway. In his mind, his penis could not harm anything when it felt so good to him. I would explain to him that it hurt me and I had to stop but he would soon forget and remind me again that he was not satisfyed. I realized at this point that he was not all there. That Anthony, was barely there. I tried to appease Loki, as he later became named, and I took him kindergarten style and showed him with his fingers where it hurt me and not to touch me there. Not even this worked. Eventually, he passed out.

I did have to get up and physically leave the room first though. He was agressive and handsy.

I'm so fucking thankful that I knew ANTHONY before this and love him so much that it didn't scare me any more than it did. Honestly, I'm afraid if it had been anyone else, he would have had a date rape case on his hands. That's terrible. Anthony is better than that. He doesn't deserve that. But it was really tough to see when he was Loki.

He kind of down played it the next day when I told him. He even told Mimi that he didn't do anything awful. I think it was awful. I felt awful during AND even worse the next day when he didn't remember any of it; when he reminded me that he and I could never be. I felt like I was the violator. I honestly, did not think he was in blackout mode. He was slurring a little and the more he drank, more signs came out but he got naked first thing when he walked in the door. He was intent on getting what he wanted and that night it was sex. I guess Loki will tell a girl whatever he thinks she wants to hear.

I knew that I wanted him to love me. But, I was ok that he didn't until I heard that he did from his own lips.

My heart got pretty bruised that day.